I Let Him Win And He Knew

He saw you do it and it was worse than losing would have been.

You were not even obvious about it. You made it look like a mistake, the kind a person makes when they are tired and not concentrating properly.

And he looked up, and something crossed his face, and he did not say anything, and then he won and it was flat.

You have been carrying that look for about a week now.

Here is what he understood in that second, and I want to say it plainly so it can stop being vague.

He understood that the game had not been real. That the person across from him had been managing him rather than playing him. And that whatever he had been enjoying for the last twenty minutes was a thing arranged for his benefit by an adult.

None of that is what you meant. All of it is what he got.

I am not going to tell you to stop being merciful. The mercy was right and the instinct behind it is the right instinct.

I am going to show you that you were not choosing between two things, and that the choice you thought you had to make does not exist.

Speaking the truth in love

There is a phrase in Ephesians that everybody quotes and almost nobody reads as a single unit.

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ. (Ephesians 4:15, King James Version)

Two things in one action. Not truth balanced against love. Not truth softened by love.

Truth spoken in love, which is one act with two properties, the way a thing can be both heavy and warm.

You are a father who can be true and kind in the same move, and mercy has never once required a man to be dishonest with a child. Ephesians 4:15 puts the truth and the love inside one action rather than trading one against the other, and the Holy Spirit is the one who can hand a man that without any charge about what he did last week.

And notice what the phrase is for, because the purpose is at the end of the verse.

May grow up into him in all things. The truth in love is what makes growth possible, and the growing is what the whole thing is aimed at.

You have been trying to protect the very thing that grows people, and a true move made kindly has never once been a harder thing for a child to receive than a false one. The Spirit of God is the one who joins two things a man has been holding apart, and it is written in Ephesians 4 that the speaking is what leads to growing up.

And here is the sentence that will change your Tuesday.

You thought the choice was between playing properly and being kind. The verse says there is no such choice, and that the two of them were designed to sit inside one action.

You are able to do both in the same move, and a father playing honestly has never once had to be a father playing hard. It is written that the growing comes from speaking the truth in love, and the Holy Spirit is the one who shows a man where the two halves actually meet.

Where the love goes

Now the practical part, and it is the most useful thing in this article.

If the truth goes in the playing, the love has to go somewhere else, and the somewhere else is your mouth.

Play the move you would actually make. And then say out loud what he did well.

You have a place to put the mercy that does not require a lie, and a kind sentence has never once weakened a truthful move. The Spirit of God is the one who gives a man a second channel, and Ephesians 4:15 puts both properties into one action rather than into one gesture.

Because here is what he actually wanted, and it was never a win.

He wanted to be taken seriously by a man he admires. A win that was arranged is not being taken seriously. It is the opposite, and he worked that out in about a second and a half.

You are able to give somebody the thing they were actually after, and being played properly has never once been a colder gift than being let through. It is written in Ephesians 4 that this is how people grow up, and the Holy Spirit is the one who tells a father what an eight year old was actually looking for at that table.

And the sentence you say afterward is not a consolation prize.

It is the specific thing. That was a good move. I did not see that coming. You have got better at this since the spring. Each of those is true and none of them is a softening of anything.

You have true things to say that cost you nothing, and one specific sentence has never once been the same object as a manufactured win. The Spirit of God is the one who gets a real observation out of a man's mouth, and Scripture puts the truth and the love in the same breath.

Play the real move

Here is the instruction and it has two halves that go together.

Play one round properly tonight. And say out loud what your child did well in it.

Both. Not one. The playing properly without the saying is harsh, and the saying without the playing properly is what you did last week.

You are able to do the whole thing rather than half of it, and one honest round with one true sentence in it has never once been a hard evening for anybody. The Holy Spirit is the one at work in something done truthfully and kindly at once, and Ephesians 4:15 has both inside one act.

And make the sentence specific, because a general one does not land.

Not well done. Not that was good. Something he actually did: the choice he made, the thing he noticed, the moment he waited instead of rushing.

You have been watching him closely enough to have the material, and a specific observation has never once been available to somebody who was not paying attention. The Spirit of God is the one who makes a man's watching useful, and it is written that the truth is spoken rather than implied.

And if he loses, let him lose, and say the sentence anyway.

That is the whole test of this. A kind sentence said to somebody who just lost is worth about ten manufactured wins, and it is the thing he will remember at thirty.

You are able to lose nothing by winning, and a true word said to a child who came second has never once been a smaller gift than the win. It is written in Ephesians 4 that this is how a person grows up into Him in all things, and the Spirit of God is the one at work at a table where nobody was managed.