I Can Only Think Of What They Did Wrong

Somebody asked you to name one good thing about the evening and you could not do it.

Not because there was nothing. Because what came up, immediately and in order, was a list of things that had gone wrong.

Who had been sharp with whom. The bit in the middle that nearly came apart. The thing your eldest said that you are still deciding whether to mention.

All of it accurate. All of it there before anything else could arrive.

And you sat there thinking that a mother who cannot name one good thing about her own evening has a problem, and the thinking made it worse.

I want to say something at the start that will take some weight off.

That is not an attitude and it is not ingratitude. It is a mind doing exactly what a parent's mind is trained to do, which is scan for problems, because problems are the things that need somebody.

The scanner works. It is why nobody in your house has ever gone unattended. And nobody ever gave you a second setting.

Whatsoever things are lovely

There is an instruction in Philippians that people quote as a mood and is actually a direction to point at something.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8, King James Version)

Think on these things. That is an instruction about direction rather than about feeling.

It does not say be positive. It does not say feel differently about anything. It gives a list and says put your attention there.

You are a parent who can be pointed at something, and a mind that filled with errors has never once been a mind that was against anybody. Philippians 4:8 gives an instruction about where to look rather than about what to feel, and the Holy Spirit is the one who can hand somebody that without any charge of negativity.

And notice the phrase that comes six times: whatsoever things.

Not the best things. Not the significant things. Whatsoever, which means anything at all that qualifies, however small.

You have been looking for something worth naming, and a small true thing has never once failed to qualify. The Spirit of God is the one who lowers a threshold that nobody set but the person applying it, and it is written in Philippians 4 that whatsoever things are lovely are the things to think on.

And the list itself is worth reading for what it does not contain.

Nothing about achievement. Nothing impressive. True, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report. Every one of those can be satisfied by a small ordinary moment at a kitchen table.

You are able to find something in almost any four minutes, and an ordinary moment has never once failed to be true or lovely. It is written that whatsoever things are of good report are to be thought on, and the Holy Spirit is the one who points a scanner at a second thing.

Look during, not after

Now the practical part, and it is the whole method.

Look during. Not afterward.

Afterward is where the problem is. When an evening is over, the mind hands over the scan it was actually running, and the scan was for problems, and that is the only record available.

You have been asking for a record that was never made, and a memory of an evening has never once contained something nobody was watching for at the time. The Spirit of God is the one who explains a blank rather than treating it as a fault, and Philippians 4:8 says think on these things, which requires the things to have been noticed.

So the work happens inside the twenty minutes rather than at eleven at night.

One specific good thing, spotted while it is happening. That is the entire assignment and it takes about two seconds of attention.

You are able to add one thing to a scan that is already running, and two seconds of noticing have never once got in the way of watching for what needs you. It is written in Philippians 4 that whatsoever things are true are to be thought on, and the Holy Spirit is the one who runs beside a mind that is already busy.

And be specific about what qualifies, because vague looking finds nothing.

Something one of them said. A moment where two of them were easy with each other. The way the youngest concentrated on something for four whole minutes. Somebody laughing at something that was not that funny.

You have four or five of these in every twenty minutes, and something too small to mention has never once been too small to be true. The Spirit of God is the one who makes an ordinary moment visible, and Scripture puts whatsoever at the front of every item.

Write nothing down

Here is the second half of the instruction and it will seem strange.

Write nothing down. Do not keep a list, do not start a book, do not make it a practice.

You are able to do this without turning it into a project, and something noticed and let go has never once needed recording to have counted. The Holy Spirit is the one at work in something seen once, and Philippians 4:8 asks for thinking on rather than for keeping.

Because a list becomes a task, and a task becomes something else you are doing badly, and within two weeks the whole thing is another thing you have not kept up.

One thing, noticed, and then let go. Nothing is being built here.

You have permission to do something once and not sustain it, and one noticed moment has never once needed a system behind it. The Spirit of God is the one who works in something small and unrepeated, and it is written that the instruction is to think on rather than to record.

And say nothing about it either, at least tonight.

The point is what happens in you rather than what gets said to anybody, and saying it out loud turns a private repair into a performance at a table.

You are able to keep something to yourself and have it do its work, and an unspoken observation has never once been an observation that was wasted. It is written in Philippians 4 that the thinking is the instruction, and the Spirit of God is the one at work in a mind that was pointed at a second thing for two seconds.